MY MAN'S OTHER WOMAN By Chioma Nnani

This is probably going to spark a variety of reactions. I never know what post/article/book/feature will evoke what reaction. I cannot read people’s minds. And I have no desire whatsoever, to do so. I just notice human behaviour. Besides, reading minds is not a gift or fruit of the Holy Spirit. Like with some other ‘controversial’ posts, a fair number of people will read this and take it very personally. So, here goes.  Some women truly amaze and scare me. My gut reaction to some women has always been a cocktail of disgust, surprise, and a bit of trepidation. A lot of Nigerian ‘churches’ (yes, I just had to go there) are full of women who claim to be praying, yet are causing their own issues. Today, my grouse is about ‘the other woman’. The other woman that the special man in your life, calls “Mum”. This is not to excuse any weakling who’s been deluded into thinking that the presence of a penis makes him a man, yet is incapable of drawing boundaries. This is for those women are just as deluded, as the males in the afore-mentioned category. You met your boyfriend/fiancé/husband when he was in his late 20s/early 30s. He’s a decent man, and your brain doesn’t tell you that someone raised him? Of course, he goes to church and speaks in tongues, therefore he must have fallen from heaven. Bravo!  I remember writing on a social media forum a while back, a comment that nearly sparked war. Someone asked for ways to show you care about your husband. I said - on HIS birthday, send his mother a "thank you" card, especially if your husband is a good man. In the card, write all the nice qualities your husband has. If you can't send her a card, CALL her. The only reason a card makes sense, especially in this age of technology is that it is more personal. You will have to hand-write stuff, which she can refer to, whereas it can be easy for her to forget the things you say.  With some of the reactions, one would have assumed I’d said something blasphemous. A number of women genuinely didn’t see why they should. I'm very confused - a woman raised a good man who married you, and she should be ignored? When you see the number of mad men making life HELL for their wives, you automatically thank God for whoever raised the decent man you call your own. Chances are, it was a woman who nurtured him, cried when he was teething, kept vigil when he had a ‘mere fever', smacked him to teach him a real man doesn't hit women, sold her gold and clothes so that he could write his final year exams - because he passed those exams, he got that fantastic job which gave him the car that made you notice him! Yes, we know you fell in love with him because of his 'potential'; you saw his car, decent suit, plush office first. Let's be honest. What woman wants to suffer? Including his mother. Especially after she loved him first! And a card or call saying "thank you" on the anniversary of the day he was born, to say “I remember and celebrate what you did, even if I wasn’t there” is too much? Really???  I know some mothers-in-law can be ... Lord have mercy. But sometimes the woman is only reacting out of fear. Fear of "How will this university-trained girl treat me, since I live in the village?" or "Will this psychedelic woman be able to cook anything but burgers for my son?" or "When he does something wrong, will she belittle him like Nollywood productions tell her, is the appropriate thing to do?" or "Will she compare him to his age-mates or classmates?" Some say ATTACK is the best form of DEFENCE. Of course she's going to be apprehensive. Normal mothers don't compare their children (especially in their hearing), but there seems to be a special award going if you can break the heart of your boyfriend/fiancé/husband with insults if he's not able to afford a Brazilian weave.  For the record, if you’re a guy whose mother is still living in a rented apartment, yet your girlfriend has a Brazilian weave that you paid for; you are competing for the title of ‘king of fools’. And if you’re a female who thinks she’s safe when she’s dating/courting some guy who’s thrown away the mother who suffered for him, now he’s made some peanuts - your case is actually worse. You probably need new drugs because the ones you've ingested, aren't working properly. A fair number of mothers will invoke blessings (even if the woman is not born-again) even if it is £1 & a roll of lace her son bought for her. Some women will compare the husband to his boss who sends his wife to Dubai every month - you forget the fact that the same boss pummels his wife and is unfaithful to her, and the Dubai trips are her 'compensation'. But you won't help yourself. Instead, you go to some 'churches' where they tell you that the fact that she likes egusi, and you like okro - means she's a witch. As if you don't have a mother yourself! Go to the home of that 'prayer warrior' and see how they treat their own mothers and mothers-in-law! Some women need to spend more time LOVING and they will find they spend less time practising witchcraft (the ones they do and call 'prayer').  Yes, I know your defence is “The Bible says a man should leave and cleave”. So, let me reiterate that I am not congratulating those males who let their mums run their (the son’s) marital homes. This is not also for those women who have made it their mission in life to terrorise any young woman who so much as breathes near their precious son, or brother. There is no perfect woman. Even a woman who genuinely loves your son (or brother, in some cases) WILL make mistakes. And you will not marry your son, or brother - so biko, backpedal a bit. Don’t crucify her just because her fried rice is a bit whiter than the one you make. Your son won’t die if he eats a bit more pepper than you use - unless of course, he suffers allergies, ulcer, or another pre-existing medical condition; which she obviously would not have known about. She wants to marry the guy, why would she want to kill him? It is not the end of the world, and there are more serious issues in life. Of course, her yam porridge (or is it pottage?) is not of the same consistency as yours - ‘just the way he likes it’. She’s been in his life five minutes; you’ve been there at least 25 years - what do you expect? But I don’t understand what Bible some women are reading from. You’re not the champion you believe you are, amongst your evil friends because you regale them with tales of your misdemeanours, felonies, and crimes towards your mother-in-law.  Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t even grow up, believing in marriage. My paternal grandmother was a very complex woman. But why would I punish another woman for the sins of my grandmother? I never prayed that my mother-in-law would die before I met her. Yes, some ‘born-again women’ pray such wicked prayers. But they don't want their own mothers to die! I didn't start believing in marriage or that it was something I could want for myself, till much later. I wasn’t one of those girls who planned their weddings by the time they were 16 or whatever the age is supposed to be. I still don't believe marriage is for everyone, but then I digress. From the moment I decided marriage COULD be for me, I started praying for my mother-in-law. That she would love and cherish me. Bear in mind I said "COULD be", so I wasn't even definitely sure that it was for me. Why would I pray for her to die, when I don't want my own mother to die? I have a brother and if I knew his future wife/intended was praying for my mother to die because she's afraid that a woman she doesn't even know, will maltreat her; I'd do whatever is necessary, to make sure he doesn't marry her. You haven’t entered the house, and you’re making such diabolical pronouncements. What will you do if you do enter the house, and get your feet under the table? Probably poison her, then go to your ‘church’ and claim god has given you a cause to testify. No, I'm not a bad sister-in-law; I don’t know any sane woman who wouldn’t do the same thing! Treat your mother-in-law the way you would want your own mother to be treated by her daughter-in-law. There might be less need for 'prayers'.  U can read her othe articles on chiomannani.blogspot.com